and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
