I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
