All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
