Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
