Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
