First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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