watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
