saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
3 2 1 whiskey
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize