Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize