I cannot find my penis.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
