I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
