k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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