Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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