How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
