How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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