How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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