Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My hand turned me down
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
