She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
