I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
