beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
