Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I need to sanitize my soul.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
