dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize