i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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