I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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