remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
