Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
