Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
