someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
