What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
