I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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