I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
