yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
