yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
