I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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