She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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