Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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