my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
