Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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