is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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