Plan B is the new Plan A
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
