My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
