I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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