i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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