You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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