umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
