For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
