i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
