Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
