My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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