please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
