dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
