i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
