I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
