Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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