You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
