For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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