so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
