i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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