First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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